My life is perfectly lined up right now just the way I want it. I can’t help the giddy feeling that I am right on the cusp of something great and I am exactly where I should be in life. The path was rocky and had a lot of interesting little detours but I am perfectly happy with the direction its going right now. I was thinking yesterday morning when I missed the E train by 3 seconds since I stopped to get a newspaper that everything happens for a reason. I have absolutely no regrets in my life because every twist and turn you make, every error or lapse in judgment, makes you preciously who you are today. I can guarantee some people look at their life and regret everything. They aren’t happy where they are. I, on the other hand, am ecstatic about where I am. I won’t lie, a tiny part of me if worried that things are going TOO well and something is bound to happen, but for the most part, I’m content. My biggest problem in life right now is the great debate I’m having with myself on whether to buy an iPad, tablet, or new laptop!
For May I decided to reward myself I really complete each day writing 500 words. It’s a struggle, not because I lack anything to write about, but because I start writing about one thing, and find 3 other ideas lurking in my brain that I want to write about instead. I don’t have ADD in my everyday life, but my imagination certainly does. I need to buckle down and finish one project so that I can prove to myself that I can. I have been keeping a note pad by my bed so I can write down all the other ideas I have to save for later. I think my biggest fear is that while I’m struggling to get one out of my head and into paper (a LOT easier said than done by the way) I will forget the others. I get very annoyed with myself when I stare at a blank page for hours only to finally force out half a page of writing that I end up trashing the next day anyways. I wish I could be more organic about writing and just write when it comes to me but I’ve tried that method for a while now, and it’s not working for me. I get too caught up on my day-to-day life, or when it does strike me I’m usually nowhere near a computer or note pad. So, starting yesterday I will force myself to write every day. It sucks. It feels like homework, but I HAVE to do this. I’m hoping that after I finish one, the rest of the stories I want to write won’t feel as daunting. Besides, I don’t think anything will ever beat the rush I felt when I saw my name on the spine of the book I wrote and bound for Mike for Christmas. I know it wasn’t real but wow did it feel awesome.
Also- for future reference this post up to THIS point is 530 words.
I leave for California for a long weekend soon, and although I am excited to see my parents and family, I’m not too thrilled about anything else. I think it’s because it is such a quick trip, and most of the time is dedicated to the wedding I am in. I can’t wait to wake up in my old house, drink coffee while watching house hunters with my Mom, enjoy a home cooked meal while trading snarky banter with my quick witted Dad, and visit my Grandparents. I would like to at least drive along the coast while I am there but in truth, California feels like where I grew up, and where my family is, but not really my home anymore. It’s hard to explain but I think I feel more at ease in the big city, than I will in the laid back beach town I grew up in. I still have a ridiculous amount of pride from where I am from, and still love it with all my heart, but it’s more like a first crush. You look back fondly and smile, but you’ve also moved on. I think it’s healthy actually. I spent so long trying to figure out how to make NYC feel like home that I didn’t realize when it actually became my home. I can navigate the city with the best of them by train, car or foot, I run into people I know on the streets, it’s where I have some of the best friends I could ever ask for, and the best boyfriend I have ever had. I am in love with my tiny apartment now that I finally have it all put together, I have a good job with co-workers who I adore, and I have had some of the most amazing experience in my life here. Orange County will always be where I grew up and dreamed, but I think New York will always be where I really discovered myself and put those dreams into action. Who would have thought a West coast girl could be so happy on the East coast?